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How to make chutney

April 23, 2011

1. Steal apples from a wild tree growing on the verge of a highway.

2. Procure further apples from ancient farm tree belonging to one’s father.

3. Google ‘spicy apple chutney.’ Find this recipe. Write it out in scribbly greylead on the back of an envelope.

4. Neglect to inventory pantry contents until imminent departure to market. Hastily weigh apples (4kg) and multiply recipe by factor of 4. Buy everything x 4.

5. Later that afternoon, start dumping things in a pot. Sugar x 4. Sultanas x 4.

6. Start chopping apples. 1kg. 2 kg.Put ’em in the pot.

7. Realise that you are a complete dunderhead and read POUNDS as KILOS in hasty pre-shop weighing. Realise this means you only have 2kg apples. 2kg of apples now mingled with twice the amount of sugar and sultanas required. Curse that you didn’t just chop apples first.

8. Think about dashing out for more apples. Consider that this means more chopping.

9. Pick out all the little bits of chopped apple. Scoop out sultanas into sieve. Try to shake off as much sugar as possible. Spill sugar everywhere until floor is good and crunchy and the bench is sticky.

10. Start again.

11. Remain quite relaxed throughout because you’re on a 5-day public holiday spree from work and everything sparkles with autumnal sunshine and work-free goodwill. No wuckas, mate!

12. Boil for hours. Bottle. Look forward to months of spicy sandwiching.

Recipe x 4 x 2 with tweaks to adapt from foolish imperial measurements

  • 4 kg 2 kg of cored apples (with peel on. Peeling is booooooring.)
  • 1 kg onions
  • 250 g sultanas
  • 700 g sugar
  • 2 heaped tbsp of each: paprika, mixed spice, salt and ground coriander
  • 850 mL malt vinegar

Chop, chuck in pan, boil until vinegar vapour is peeling the paint in your kitchen and curling the hairs in your nose. Bottle in sterile jars.

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