It took three tries, but I’ve sprouted a choko. Watch this space for delicious Depression era apple pies! Mmmmmm, choko-ey.
Me: Check this out. It’s a grey and brown hair. But look – the brown bit is not the end, it’s the root.
He: Hang on, let me have a look in the light.
A pause, while he inspects the hair in question and verifies my outlandish claim.
He: It seems you are ungreying. Or perhaps turning brindle.
We both turn to look at our brindle dog. Her brown eyes remain inscrutable.
There are two main types of seasonal contagion.
There’s the good kind, producing a sniffle or a cough makes you just poorly enough, and just social-pariah enough, to stay home from work. Yet brain and hands remain nimble and dextrous and you can make and do and read and drink tea. It’s a bonus day bestowed upon you by the universe. It’s a little bit awesome, even if you’ve rubbed raw the stretch of flesh betwixt nose and upper lip (the philtrum, I believe).
Then there’s the bad kind, with symptoms that leave you so wretched that you can scarcely crawl out of bed to deal with basic bodily functions which, most likely, are so perturbed by viral activity that they are more base than basic. Where you hide from the light and wimper a bit.
Guess which one I just had?
At the Meteor Crater Gift and Rock Shop, Arizona:
Me: May I have a thirty-two cent stamp, please?
Woman 1: We don’t have thirty-two cent stamps.
Me: Oh, OK then.
Woman 2: Do you mean just a postcard stamp?
Woman 1: We have those but we charge more for them because we have to go out and buy them.
Me: How much?
Woman 1: Thirty-seven cents.
Me: That’s fine.
Woman 1 then sells me a thirty-two cent stamp for thirty-seven cents.
1. Orbitwheels, a “cross between a skateboard and inline skates but with more freedom and simplicity than either”.
2. Thundershirt, a tight coat for anxious dogs that works on the same principle as “swaddling an infant or people with autism”.
3. Protein Ketchup that “delivers the taste and mouthfeel you expect, with the nutrition you want”.
4. Video pen “ideal for anyone in an evidence gathering situation”.
5. Portable infrared sauna (visuals: think girl wearing tent at Occupy Melbourne, only with better lymph drainage).
6. Traveller’s bed bug thwarting sleeping cocoon with “durable polyester threads impervious to bed bugs’ teeth”. Entomological note: bed bugs don’t have teeth. But I bet traveller has a sweat problem.
7. The Hypnocube, creating an LED-charged light show extravaganza with 4,096 different colours.
Curmudgeon: Imagine how strange it would be if the word ‘bet’ was spelled like the word ‘debt’.